Tuesday, 26 December 2017

Within you without you

Tomorrow we are getting a dog, he is very fluffy like a bear and maybe a substitute for something else. I am apprehensive- a little how I was when I was about to give birth. I know this thing will smash up my life for a while. Caring for something is terrifying but also the best.

Flo will be 12 on Dog Day. She has more complex emotions now, bright as a horoscope. I am still her Mum but it’s different, we are more like companions except sometimes I talk about how I see things and help her correct course- to the best of my ability at least. I still don’t fully know what I am doing, but compassion rounds you out a little.

My Mum was born on the same day so I will be remembering her too. She was so pleased to share a birthday with Flo- it made them the same somehow. Mum was a little preoccupied and the two of them never really spent the time they should have together, but Flo reminds me of her a lot. She marches about as if she owns the place like a wizard.

An end and a beginning, here's the real bit that I wanted to write:

We are coming up on 2 years trying for a baby and it’s a different world. Not many people understand- they can’t. Months and months of hope, lost hope, renewed hope- a madness really. Watching bellies blossom and shrink while you wait for the next test- one and one equals 0.

Talking about it is forbidden. If you do then it makes people a bit blinky. Friends say strange things about adoption and tell you stories about a friend of a friend of a friend. People tell you to relax. They say it will happen any day now or maybe it wasn’t meant to be, as if any of us are in control.

There is still an astounding amount of superstition tied up with the female reproductive system. There are cures and potions and mindsets and spells. But the bottom line is biology. Infertility is really common but it is chaotic and people don’t like that. People also think things like IVF are simple, like going to the dentist. They’re not.

We are getting a dog, it is somewhat of a solution. No one will buy us a card- I don’t care! I love babies but I don’t always want to be around them. I love small children but sometimes it hurts- that’s the truth. Pregnancy announcements are difficult but after a day or two it’s OK again. Happiness is a choice and we choose it. Family is an elastic category, every child is a miracle, I know this now more than ever.

Caring for things is the best. Trying to get outside of yourself and the boxes we put things in. Outside of myself is not even different from within- it’s all one thing. I can be a mother to everyone, there is so much love to go around. It’s a question of what we choose to focus on- staying at the centre of the universe hurts people. Next year I want to try to understand what my friends are experiencing so I don’t say shortsighted things. I don’t want to fix your problem, I just want to feel it with you.

When Kingsley comes home I will become a puppy for a while. The plan is to sleep next to him until he knows where he belongs. Physical and mental proximity...
a resolution.

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